How to Deal With Defensive Employees: Go First

Work Conflict
November 09, 2026•2 min read

How to deal with defensive employees: go first. Name your share of the miss before you say a word about theirs.

Feedback 1:1 with a report who gets defensive?

“I’ll just be direct. Facts only.”

People respond well to facts right?

You walk in with a list.

They walk in with a lawyer. (They’re representing themselves.)

Three minutes in. They’re explaining. You’re re-explaining.

Nobody’s listening.

Why do some employees get so defensive?

As a mental performance coach, my job is deconstructing what happens to smart people under pressure.

A feedback 1:1 is pressure for both chairs.

The people who get most defensive are usually the ones most worried about what you think of them.

How do you deal with defensive employees in a 1:1?

Go first with your share of the miss.

  • Maybe your briefs were vague.
  • Maybe you moved the date twice.
  • Maybe you saw the draft a day late.

One sentence about you before you say a word about them:

“Before we get into it, part of this one is on me. My brief was vague, and I moved the date twice.”

Then ask, and stop talking:

“What do you think happened?”

Now there’s nothing left to defend.

There are 2 steps:

  1. Tonight, for each point of “critique” for your report, write your one sentence about how you contributed. How did you fail to set them up? If you genuinely have no idea, skip it and open with “How could I have shown up better for you in that situation?”
  2. In the 1:1, say it. Own your part. Ask the question. “How can I show up better for you?” Your feedback goes after theirs.

They may even own their part for you.

And how much more effective is that?

Interviewing for a leadership role? Enabling your reports is one of the 3 things they’re watching for. I help leaders show it in the room:

effortwise.com/interview

defensive employeesgiving feedbackfeedback 1:1managing people
Dave Wolovsky

Dave Wolovsky

I was home schooled until 13 years old. Always a quiet introvert. Overly sensitive to others' discomfort. I was scared to ask for things. Waited for others to offer. Waited and waited. After a horrible job experience... ⚠️ Strangled by my own anxiety. ⚠️ Desperate to impress my bosses. ⚠️ "Stuck it out" until I got physically ill. I realized I needed to grow as a person. To ask for what I needed. To persuade with empathy. To negotiate without conflict. I dove deep into understanding people: ▪︎ Neuroscience (got a masters in it) ▪︎ Positive psychology (a certification) ▪︎ Negotiation (books, courses, teaching). Then I realized lots of people had difficulties like me. And I became committed to helping people get paid what they're worth. An early client got a $35k raise, while cutting back to a 4-day workweek. I wrote down everything we did. Conversations along the way. The mistakes along the way. I created a set of principles. Called it "Empathic Influence & Negotiation." Applied it to salary negotiations. Applied it to job interviews. Applied it to networking. And then I found Mindfulness. That added some next level juice. I created the "Mindful Sprint" process. And now I help talented introverts become Mindful Sprinters. This kind of personal growth creates: ✓ Better job opportunities. ✓ Higher compensations. ✓ Stronger boundaries. Without creating: 🚫 Confrontational situations. 🚫 Resentful relationships. 🚫 Suffocating stress. We navigate social complexities: ▪︎ Being a team player, not a pushover. ▪︎ Asking for a raise collaboratively. ▪︎ Making your value fully visible. With me, you're not getting an extroverted former CEO. I won't insist that you have to "command the room." You ARE getting a partner to help you: ▪︎ Shine a floodlight on your value. ▪︎ Stay authentically introverted. ▪︎ Meet you where you're at. Expect to be empowered: ▪︎ Do things you've never done before. ▪︎ Learn the science of negotiation. ▪︎ Experience true mindfulness.

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I was home schooled until 13 years old.

Always a quiet introvert.

Overly sensitive to others' discomfort.

I was scared to ask for things.

Waited for others to offer.

Waited and waited.

After a horrible job experience...

⚠️ Strangled by my own anxiety.

⚠️ Desperate to impress my bosses.

⚠️ "Stuck it out" until I got physically ill.

I realized I needed to grow as a person.

To ask for what I needed.

To persuade with empathy.

To negotiate without conflict.

I dove deep into understanding people:

▪︎ Neuroscience (got a masters in it)

▪︎ Positive psychology (a certification)

▪︎ Negotiation (books, courses, teaching).

Then I realized lots of people had difficulties like me.

And I became committed to helping people get paid what they're worth.

An early client got a $35k raise, while cutting back to a 4-day workweek.

I wrote down everything we did.

Conversations along the way.

The mistakes along the way.

I created a set of principles.

Called it "Empathic Influence & Negotiation."

Applied it to salary negotiations.

Applied it to job interviews.

Applied it to networking.

And then I found Mindfulness.

That added some next level juice.

I created the "Mindful Sprint" process.

And now I help talented introverts become Mindful Sprinters.

This kind of personal growth creates:

✓ Better job opportunities.

✓ Higher compensations.

✓ Stronger boundaries.

Without creating:

🚫 Confrontational situations.

🚫 Resentful relationships.

🚫 Suffocating stress.

We navigate social complexities:

▪︎ Being a team player, not a pushover.

▪︎ Asking for a raise collaboratively.

▪︎ Making your value fully visible.

With me, you're not getting an extroverted former CEO.

I won't insist that you have to "command the room."

You ARE getting a partner to help you:

▪︎ Shine a floodlight on your value.

▪︎ Stay authentically introverted.

▪︎ Meet you where you're at.

Expect to be empowered:

▪︎ Do things you've never done before.

▪︎ Learn the science of negotiation.

▪︎ Experience true mindfulness.